I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i drank out of a bidet.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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