No stitches, just platelets and will power
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
