Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
