: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
