Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude i'm inner monologue high
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
