Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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