I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
They have beer where we have blood.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
