Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
