Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
third nipple confirmed
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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