addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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