i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
