I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
