i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
