Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
