We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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