i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
