I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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