listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
