What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
