sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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