Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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