sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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