Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
