I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
