You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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