none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
