he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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