I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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