I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
