I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Too much gin, very little bucket
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
