I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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