Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
