She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
