they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
