my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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