It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
