Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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