She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My ass is underappreciated
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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