I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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