roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
