tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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