You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
