i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
