did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
