Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
