I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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