we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
