i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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