You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
