tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Randomize
