The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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