who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
