i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
