i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She's the barista slut.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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