i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
