I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
