we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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