Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
