If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
