I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
