Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
