saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
